non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
