this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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