I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
