I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
