I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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