I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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