my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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