I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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