Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
