Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I miss vodka workout Fridays
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
