Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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