In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
