I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize