I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
