Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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