i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
