Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
