The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
