Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
