Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
