How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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