my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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