Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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