just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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