if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
