Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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