Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
