Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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