Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
