1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
