god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
you made out with another girl for some wings
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
