paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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