If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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