need another drink. this is the easiest way
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
