it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
