I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
