Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
