I accidentally had phone sex last night
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
