i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Come share oat with me in your robe
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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