I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
