I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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