We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
