Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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