He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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