im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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