I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
