He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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