i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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