I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
