I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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