At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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