Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
