It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
