watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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