When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
