I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
