Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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