Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
