life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
