you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Come back. Shots need mouths.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
