Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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