I think my fart just growled at me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
