he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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