my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
