Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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